My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
