She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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