my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
