I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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