My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
