please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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