the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
