Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
