I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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