Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
