i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
