sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.