Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
