I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I need to stop coming to work sober
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
