I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
