Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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