you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Man, jail baloney is awful.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
