My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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