We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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