i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You ate ashes out of my bong
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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