well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
