Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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