Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
