I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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