I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
