I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
