Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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