my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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