He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
