is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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