The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Dicks are not precious.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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