so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
