she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
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I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
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Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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