Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
