She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
