before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
should my penis look like a turkey
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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