Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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