Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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