If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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