Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
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