and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Randomize
