no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
