I think I died a long time ago.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.