and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for