my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.