last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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