i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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