either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
