Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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