Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize