Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
