She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
