turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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