I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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