Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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