A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
