She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
