she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
